What teaches us the most...Failure or Success?

Yesterday I was reflecting on a recent failure, and I began pondering the question:

Which teaches us the most...failure or success?

Surely there are valuable lessons to be learned from both. 

But which of these has the potential to propel us forward in our growth and evolution?

The choice between failure and success is much like the choice between surviving and thriving. 

Given a choice, who would not choose thriving?

And yet, to get to thriving, we must also be surviving. 

We must survive the hurts and hardships, the tragedies and traumas, the damage and depression before we can even think of reaching a state of thriving.

Just like this, we cannot reach success but through the gauntlet of failure. 

We can’t possibly anticipate the many potential negative outcomes and avoid them all. Even if we could, our brains and bodies wouldn’t retain the lessons. They wouldn’t form the neural pathways necessary for repeated success.

Examining the Simplest of Examples

To illustrate this point using the simplest of examples, let’s look at babies and children.

• Has a baby ever learned to feed themselves without missing their mouths? 
• Has a toddler ever learned to walk without ever falling down? 
• Has a child ever learned to read and write without the frustration of spelling errors and mispronunciation?

We could go on and on with endless examples of the path to success leading directly through not one but many failures and struggles.

Yet, as adults, we think that if only we work hard enough and long enough, we can and will avoid the pain of failure.

Which begs the question, why do we associate failure with pain? 

We’ve all failed billions of times, yet so often it’s associated with shame. On the path from childhood to adulthood, we begin shaming failure rather than seeing and celebrating its valuable lessons. 

We hear hurtful comments, “Geez, why’d you screw up?” “I’m disappointed in your grade on that test.” “Why are you such a failure?”

It hurts not because of the experience of failing, but because of the stories we tell us ourselves about it.

Last week, I walked out of a meeting and knew instantly I hadn’t done my best work. I’d prepared, I’d done everything I could think of leading up to it, and yet, it wasn’t great. 

It was a new message, in a new setting, with a new group and I couldn’t possibly be fully prepared to ensure success in such unknown waters. Yet, that was exactly what I was expecting of myself. 

I felt a tremendous amount of disappointment in myself and even a bit of embarrassment. Thought to myself, how would I explain? When people asked how it went, what would I say?

Rather than avoid it, deny it, numb myself and stick my head in the sand, I decided to feel it, understand it, and unpack it.

The Power of Performance Partnering

Thankfully, I have created a pretty fantastic performance partner network around myself to support me. Each of them offering a unique perspective that helped me to further process it.

These aren’t just great friends but also people who will guide and coach me. 

They won’t just commiserate with me “Awe, that sounds terrible,” 

or give me false security “I’m sure it was great, you are overreacting” 

nor will they provide unhelpful advice, “Think positive,” “You just need to…”

Instead, they witness my struggle, emotions, and pain with empathy and compassion. 

They offer questions to get me thinking. 

They bring me perspectives from their own experiences to provide me new insights. 

Most of all, they provide partnership during the struggle offering me the space to process.

Only then could I really see and admit the multiple truths.

The Truth that:

• The truth that I probably wasn’t great. But also, my solution and message are still good.
• The truth that my delivery has room for improvement and also that part of me that makes my solution great, makes it harder to deliver the sales message.
• The truth that I might not get the sale, but also that I did my best in that moment.
• The truth that they might not have liked my message or its delivery, and also that I showed up authentically.
• The truth that I still struggle emotionally when I don’t immediately get praised, and that this became another opportunity for growth evolution and expansion.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could rebrand our struggles, losses, and imperfections from failures to fuel for future successes?

To achieve big successes, it’s going to require a lot of fuel to make the journey. That means failure is not just useful but essential.

Last week, I was able to start turning my experience into fuel for future success. 

Instead of feeling regret, I choose to feel grateful for the opportunity.

What will you commit to do today to create the fuel necessary for your future successes?